darlingdaughtertomotherdearest

A darling daughter to her mother dearest how amusing well
where do i begin
your excuses are the blanket in which i was covered
but they slowly unravelled like the threads of a well worn jumper.
..you always wear the white of innocence and purity but i am no longer a child.
There are no photographs of which i am thankful
they did try to get me some
Try to remember but i cannot simply recollect lost memories and sit on the toybox.
[no matter what i do i cannot shut it up.]
you subside from the silence a perfect smile
How does it feel i ask how does it feel?
Expecting even more apologies and "you are so grown up now."
But there are many things you do not extract from my intense gaze
a sick taste
is the final result from a medicine
i can no longer
force my eyes to sleep
your little girl's perfect.
but only
in her dreams
in her own way.

No more pictures no more pain.
you
cannot
be
s-e-r-i-o-u-s.
this
joke
isn't
funny
anymore.
[oh.wait.it.never.was]
its far too difficult to tread on eggshells
in a world.
so bright and bold.
it is too easy.
it is too hard.
it is not what i was expecting all along.

living on nine to three
and coffee with creamcakes.
forget
dieting
for
a
second.

and focus
on the child
and the father
who needed their mother.
the hospital and wanting
to
spill
my
drink
all
over
the
floor.
[i just need to taint the sterile.]

to see what it would change.
white hurts the eyes
Now there is no longer the thought
that your precious child
is her own person.
she doesn't know what her mum
does but no longer blames it upon the teddy bear she is clutching
a lime green phone
is hanging by its cord
and the girl is running out of the door now knowing
she is wanted but not for the reason she secretly hopes.

one day perhaps it'll all get better she heard them distantly say
everyday and in desperation was just trying not to throw away what was hers.
but mommy one day
you'll realise that i get it now
and you never understood
that i pushed myself out of bed
and
painted
on
plastic
faces
to
this
world
and i'll never love what i never have
because i learnt that from you.


and by gods grace if i fall and make a mistake
i'll
drag
myself
across
the floor
and it’ll let all the cruel faces have a good long laugh
theres a thousand things i need to do
and i need you to get the stopwatch out just to confirm there's enough time for me.

our child
no longer responses
to anything i do or say
wheres that happy girl
with her bubbles
you
told
her
to
grow
up.


i keep it all safe and silent
in my heart and mind
im
my
own
diary
and im locked and you no longer have the key to read my contents.

and all she can say is
i'll see you whenever
and this is what has happenned now
fairytales don't last forever and we can't change a thing
and i never know what she really means.

because
i
wanted
to
be tinkerbell.
to do the model walk
in little shoes.
and
show
my
mommy
that
i was the princess too.

i'm looking for everything in your eyes
mommy dearest.
but all i can find is mistakes
and ill fated promise
anything but love anything but love she said.
you'll be okay [it'll never be okay]
this is just a phase
you
are slipping
under.
the quick sand and i can no longer pull you up
i just fucking need a moment to tear myself apart.
yeah and you can kiss my cheek embarrassment creeping up.
yeah and you can tell me that you love me.
[but i am not your precious little girl i am just a stranger.]

and i know that tonight just like every night
i will weep mascara and glitter onto my white and blue pillow
force my eyes to enter nightmares instead of sweet dreams
but only that your little girl is perfect
who will pretend that she is not alone
that she will put on a braveface
in her dreams
she is free from the cares of reality
in her own way she is always wide awake
and oneday she'll remember that.

you know
and i know
no longer do i appear to be your precious little girl.
i am but a stranger.st told me not to make friends with you
because your a
stranger?.